A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
