Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
