Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
