Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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