Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
