just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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