I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize