I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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