John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Your penis caused this!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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