In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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