Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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