i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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