Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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