The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
