She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
