new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
