Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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