The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
