my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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