he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
