He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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