i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
