Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize