Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
