Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
