I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
