Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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