I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
