this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
