i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Randomize
