batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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