Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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