the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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