So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
