So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
