Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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