I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
