We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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