And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
look no pants
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
