Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize