i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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