So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Found the puke drawer
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
