i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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