How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
