omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
