no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
