She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
