My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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