Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We left the knife in your bed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
