I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
