So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
