just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize