Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
