Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
